Because Fest reminded me that I had a Toto phase a year ago and because we haven't done one for 2 years - here is the highly anticipated Top Ten Toto Tunes
1) Africa - The only song a Keyboardist ever wrote that was good!
2) Hold The Line - Love isn't always on time, especially for Pele with his Floppy Disk issues.
3) Rosanna - Like an opera, but good
4) Stranger In Town - Sounds like it should be a Phil Collins song
5) I Will Remember - The Subtle Power Bollard
6) Drag Him To the Roof - Love dat riff man.
7) I Won't Hold You Back - You'll know it from that Roger Sanchez banger - " If I had another chance tonight" on and on!
8) Beat It - Toto were basically the backing band for the whole Thriller album and we have picked MJ's rock monster
9) Don't Chain My Heart - Sleazy, bluesy and then bog standard rock chorus - nice
10) Stop Loving You - The quintessential Toto love song. Good quality Casio work.
This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever written - I have been a collector of TV themes for most of my life and to whittle them down to ten will be nigh on impossible - some of your favourites will inevitably be missed but i will try and crowbar in as many as possible! - Please note Childrens TV themes will be covered in a seperate blog.
10) Gladiators
As we will learn from this post - a TV theme has to tick certain boxes to be successful and this one does
- Full length song of it available CHECK
- Have lyrics over it CHECK
- Be completely awesome DOUBLE CHECK
If this was released in the 80s by a hair metal band it would've made millions!
9) Ready Steady Cook
Is the theme better than the show - did i used to watch it just for Theme i ask myself? No of course fucking not, i watched it for Ainsley Harriot tossing.
8) Only fools and horses
All time classic - no more needs to be said. Viva hooky street.
7) Animal Hospital
Rolf Harris and Saxophones in one combination - put a ring on it because that is a catch.
6) Big Break
A quiz show about Snooker presented by a racist on at prime time? If it wasn't for the theme tune it would've sunk like the Titanic.
5) Surprise Surprise
Perhaps the only theme song that is sung by the presenter and to top it off, she belts it out actually during the show? Mad bitch. Life is full, full of surprises.
4) The Theme tune you can sing the title of the show to -
Unfortunately you don't get this anymore, but back in t'day (when kids were fed coal and all that) it was indicative of a good show. Watch these three examples and you'll be singing the following lines to the tunes
The sweeney, the sweeeeeney
Michael parkinson, michael parkinson x 46
and NINE NINE NINE!!!!
3) The Quiz Show Theme -
Here are 3 examples of amazing quiz show themes. The rule is that quiz shows must have good theme tunes in case the show is shit so you don't feel entirely gutted and worthless when this occurs. Which is the odd one out? I'll give you a clue, two sound like eurovision entries.
2) The Crystal Maze
It was unbelievably close between this and our eventual winner.This theme is good because you can put it over any image or thought and it works - think about a fantastic goal scored by Neil Redfearn for example and it fits.....
And our top Theme Tune of all time is ..................
1) The Bill
Now lets get something straight first of all - the Bill theme in question was the early 90s one, none of this hip hop or saxophone pissings they did in later years - like a good drug, it has to be the full, pure original with heaps of synthesizers -This was released as a single and it is my lifes goal to find a copy of it and play it forever, please help me.
- A fusion of Jazz, Soul and Pop - a bit like mixing a turd with piss and vomit but somehow George makes it work????
9)Father Figure
- One of his slower ballads - quite good - Allegedly written about Stan Collymore's performances in a Bradford City shirt (This may or may not be true).
8) Careless Whisper
- His first massive hit away from Wham. Fantastically catchy but very seedy and dated - a bit like Boy George.
7) Faith
- His other mega-hit. Classy but loses positions for allusion to religion.
6) Jesus to a child
- Oh - forget the allusion to religion bit. Top tip for you here - you can sing the main hook over any other song and it will fit - even Fester's type of music (Abba Gold in particular). Try it!
5) Flawless (Go to the city)
- George took a really good one hit wonder and pissed some new melodies and lyrics over the top like a genius golden shower. Lazy but one of his best floor fillers.
4) Fastlove Part One
- How he made a song about premature ejaculation so good i will never know but that young fellow always does surprise us!
3) Amazing
- One of his later works but to me is a masterpiece. Once you have heard the ba baba ba badaba bit you can never get it out of your head - trust me, i've tried.
2) Outside
- A funk workshop about a todger misundertanding with a police person (Got to be politically correct!) - Again, he gets away with the, the cheeky bastard.
and our number one George Michael song of all time is................................................
1) Fastlove Part 2
- It's Fastlove Part 1 but with the best of his other work with Wham and solo crowbarred into it - it is like a megamix to end all megamixes. You don't need to listen to all of his other songs really as he has shoved them all in this 9 and a half minute tour de force!
At top tens we love Mario Balotelli, he is a real entertainer on the pitch, but also off it, we’ve had to miss out so many potential great bits of football and funny incidents in this list as there was so many to choose from including wearing an AC Milan shirt whilst at Inter, Mario you are a legend, we salute you
=10. Breaking into a womens prison
Mario decided to try and break into high security prison as the gates were open. Fair enough…
Mario scored his first goal for Italy yesterday and what a cracker it was, a late entry to the top ten…
=10. IPAD
Mario took his IPAD to Italys game against the Faroe Islands and allegedly used it whilst on the bench, sparking anger from some fans, to be fair you can get prozone on a I-Pad can’t you?
First up, what a great strike for this goal to open the scoring against Manchester United and secondly what a great celebration, I was quite upset the ref choose to book him, when it was just blatantly funny. Here is a song dedicated to his said celebration.
8. Allergy to Grass!
Whilst playing for city in the Europa league in Kiev, Mario suffered a possible allergic reaction to grass, whilst this is a serious condition, it is also unbelievable that a footballer can be allergic to grass!
7. He can’t get his Bib on Mario amuses Robbie Savage by struggling to get his bib on correctly in the warm up
6. My Season was shit, can I say that?
Mario politely asks if he can say that his season was shit, unfortunately for ITV they were interviewing him live after last years FA Cup final, so, yes Mario you can say that.
5. Backheel v LA Galaxy
Super Mario claims to have heard a whistle in the build up this incident, to us though this is what pre season is all about, trying ridiculous stuff that annoys Edin Dzeko.
4.Why have you got £5,000 in your back pocket sir? Because I am rich
When Mario was questioned by the police following a car crash last year, he was asked why he had such a large quantity of money knocking around. Mario simply told the officer that he was not having cash flow problems!
2.Lets play Darts Its good to see that Mario wants to take up a classic English pub game, but we can only assume that someone forgot to tell him that usually in a game of darts you throw at a dartboard before the game.
1. Fireworks
How can anyone forget Balotellis house being set on fire by friends and then fronting up the firework safety campaign in Manchester.
10) Dion Dublin (4 caps) - How Dion didn't get more caps is a mystery to us - so many of Englands best strikers would have thrived under Dions knock downs and he would have been a menace in the Box. If not, they could've just chucked him at Centre Back like Norwich.
9) Steve Guppy (1 cap) - The left wing wizard of Leicester - an exciting alternative to Jason Wilcox (another good shout) and Nicky Barmby in the early 2000s on the left wing, should've got another chance.
8) Tim Sherwood (3 caps) - Tim was a midfield general of the highest order who deserved more of a shot of an international career. His form for Tottenham was top class in the late 90's. Why did David fucking Batty get preference over Sherwood?
7) Steven Taylor (0 caps) - The versatile and commanding Newcastle centre back is well deserving of a call up ahead of others such as Lescott and Jagielka. If he was playing for a top 4 club he would be established by now.
6) Joey Barton (1 cap) - It is criminal that Joey Barton does not get a chance in the England set up - he would ruffle feathers amongst opposition players and has great vision - as Lampard (Useless shit) and Gerrard (stop playing him on the fucking left!!!!) reach their 50s we'd like to see him and Scott Parker as the combative classic England central midfield pairing.
5) Chris Sutton (1 cap) - Isn't it amazing that one half of the SAS and such a prolific goalscorer (of headers) only gained one cap. Unfortunately, like disabled people, Glenn Hoddle didn't like him so did not select him at the peak of his powers. We'd take him over Andy Cole any day.
4) Neil Redfearn (0 caps yet) - One of the games true greats and an underated gem - when laughing at this suggestion ask yourself this - do these players deserve more caps than Neil Redfearn and who do you think would've done a better job? Nicky Butt (39 caps), Ray Parlour (10 caps) David Batty (42 god damn caps!!) - We rest our case, arise Sir Neil.
3) Kevin Davies (1 cap) - Heskey or Davies? Zamora or Davies? Carlton Cole or Davies? Case closed.
2) Matt Le Tissier (8 caps) - Seriously, England's most skilful, talented and flair driven player ever - the goals he scored for Southampton were nothing short of incredible. At the time England went for "hard workers" such as David Batty and Carlton fucking Palmer over the skill and flair but laziness of Southamptons greatest ever player - Spain have made a dominant team out of players like Le Tissier. He should've been used as the counterpoint to a more defensive minded player such as Redfearn or Ince.
And our number one English player who should have had more caps is.............................
1) Shaka Hislop (0 caps, called up vs. Chile, February 1998) - Believe it or not, Shaka was picked but unused for England in 1998 meaning he could switch the the internation giants of both Trinidad and Tobago. Would Hislop have made as many mistakes as Paul Robinson? He was more reliable than Richard Wright and quite frankly had less stupid hair than Ian Walker - Shaka, you should've persevered mate, once Seaman lost his tash, the number one jersey was yours for the taking.
10. Barnsley in the Premier League What on earth happend here, South Yorkshire side Barnsley somehow managed to win promotion to the premier league in 1997 and pulled off a few shock results. Unfortuanatly for Neil Redfern and co it wasn't quite enough as the Tykes were relegated.
9. Joint Managers For some reason rather than sacking Roy Evans Liverpool decided it would be a great idea to have dual managers, keeping Evans in his job yet bringing in Gerard Houllier in also. The partnership quite unsuprisingly didn't last very long.
8. The Auto-Windscreens Shield Yes we know it still exists as the Johnstones Paint Trophy, but, the actual auto windscreens shield (trophy itself) was a work of art ... or maybe not.
7. Bizzare/Local Shirt Sponsorships These days in the premier league we are treated to multinational companies emblazing their logos across teams shirts, but ack in the 1990s we were treated to sponsors such as Draper Tools for Southampton, Dagenham Motors at West Ham and most strange of them all Classic FM for QPR.
6. Tony Yeboah Any man who allegedlt put his good form down to English food "Yeboah often cited his good form and prowess while at Leeds was down to his love for Yorkshire Pudding." deserves to be in any top 10
5. Norwich City shocking Europe. These day the chances of Norwich City winning away at Bayern Munich are pretty slim. But back in 1993 this actually happend.
4. Gazzetta Football Italia
We miss the Sunday kick offs live on channel 4 with a team of James Richardson, Peter Brackley and expert summary from AC Milan 'legend' Luther Blisset, the show even had Elvis Costello as half time panelist, which other football show would do that?
3. FA Cup Songs The 1990s was also the last time that teams seemed to really have a go at making a 'decent' FA Cup final song. These days players are far too 'big' for any light hearted singing and to us thats a great shame.
2. Colourful Kits
Once again Norwich 1993 also provides us with another highlight on our list their unique paint splash yellow green and blue kit has become a cult kit for fans due to the success the club had that season. Goalkeeper kits also showed some strange experimentation with Newcastles Tyne Bridge strip one that certainly caught the eye.
1. Kevin Keegan
But, for the one thing that we miss the most is Kevin Keegan for his attacking philosphy with Newcastle in the 1990s, its perhaps unfortuanate that his side never quite won the title, but, for the way in which they played we would love to see back today where defensive football tends to be king. It also gives us a good excuse to show a video of his now infamous rant...
