Top ten TV theme tunes

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever written - I have been a collector of TV themes for most of my life and to whittle them down to ten will be nigh on impossible - some of your favourites will inevitably be missed but i will try and crowbar in as many as possible! - Please note Childrens TV themes will be covered in a seperate blog.

10) Gladiators

As we will learn from this post - a TV theme has to tick certain boxes to be successful and this one does

- Full length song of it available CHECK

- Have lyrics over it CHECK

- Be completely awesome DOUBLE CHECK

If this was released in the 80s by a hair metal band it would've made millions!

9) Ready Steady Cook

Is the theme better than the show - did i used to watch it just for Theme i ask myself? No of course fucking not, i watched it for Ainsley Harriot tossing.

8) Only fools and horses

All time classic - no more needs to be said. Viva hooky street.

 

7) Animal Hospital

Rolf Harris and Saxophones in one combination - put a ring on it because that is a catch.

6) Big Break

A quiz show about Snooker presented by a racist on at prime time? If it wasn't for the theme tune it would've sunk like the Titanic.

5) Surprise Surprise

Perhaps the only theme song that is sung by the presenter and to top it off, she belts it out actually during the show? Mad bitch. Life is full, full of surprises.

4)  The Theme tune you can sing the title of the show to -

Unfortunately you don't get this anymore, but back in t'day (when kids were fed coal and all that) it was indicative of a good show. Watch these three examples and you'll be singing the following lines to the tunes

The sweeney, the sweeeeeney

Michael parkinson, michael parkinson x 46

and NINE NINE NINE!!!!

3) The Quiz Show Theme -

Here are 3 examples of amazing quiz show themes. The rule is that quiz shows must have good theme tunes in case the show is shit so you don't feel entirely gutted and worthless when this occurs. Which is the odd one out? I'll give you a clue, two sound like eurovision entries.

2) The Crystal Maze

It was unbelievably close between this and our eventual winner.This theme is good because you can put it over any image or thought and it works - think about a fantastic goal scored by Neil Redfearn for example and it fits.....

And our top Theme Tune of all time is ..................

1) The Bill

Now lets get something straight first of all - the Bill theme in question was the early 90s one, none of this hip hop or saxophone pissings they did in later years - like a good drug, it has to be the full, pure original with heaps of synthesizers -This was released as a single and it is my lifes goal to find a copy of it and play it forever, please help me.

Top Ten George Michael songs

10) Spinning the Wheel

- A fusion of Jazz, Soul and Pop - a bit like mixing a turd with piss and vomit but somehow George makes it work????

9) Father Figure

- One of his slower ballads - quite good - Allegedly written about Stan Collymore's performances in a Bradford City shirt (This may or may not be true).

8) Careless Whisper

- His first massive hit away from Wham. Fantastically catchy but very seedy and dated - a bit like Boy George.

7) Faith

- His other mega-hit. Classy but loses positions for allusion to religion.

6) Jesus to a child

- Oh - forget the allusion to religion bit. Top tip for you here - you can sing the main hook over any other song and it will fit - even Fester's type of music (Abba Gold in particular). Try it!

5) Flawless (Go to the city)

- George took a really good one hit wonder and pissed some new melodies and lyrics over the top like a genius golden shower. Lazy but one of his best floor fillers.

4) Fastlove Part One

- How he made a song about premature ejaculation so good i will never know but that young fellow always does surprise us!

3) Amazing

 - One of his later works but to me is a masterpiece. Once you have heard the ba baba ba badaba bit you can never get it out of your head - trust me, i've tried.

2) Outside

- A funk workshop about a todger misundertanding with a police person (Got to be politically correct!) - Again, he gets away with the, the cheeky bastard.

and our number one George Michael song of all time is................................................

1) Fastlove Part 2

- It's Fastlove Part 1 but with the best of his other work with Wham and solo crowbarred into it - it is like a megamix to end all megamixes. You don't need to listen to all of his other songs really as he has shoved them all in this 9 and a half minute tour de force!

Top Ten Mario Balotelli stories

At top tens we love Mario Balotelli, he is a real entertainer on the pitch, but also off it, we’ve had to miss out so many potential great bits of football and funny incidents in this list as there was so many to choose from including wearing an AC Milan shirt whilst at Inter, Mario you are a legend, we salute you


=10. Breaking into a womens prison


Mario decided to try and break into high security prison as the gates were open. Fair enough…


http://www.thespoiler.co.uk/index.php/2010/10/04/mario-balotelli-caught-trying-to-sneak-into-womens-prison


=10. First goal for Italy


Mario scored his first goal for Italy yesterday and what a cracker it was, a late entry to the top ten…





=10. IPAD


Mario took his IPAD to Italys game against the Faroe Islands and allegedly used it whilst on the bench, sparking anger from some fans, to be fair you can get prozone on a I-Pad can’t you?

http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/international/italy-deny-rift-following-mario-balotelli-ipad-incident-2349646.html


9. Why is it always me?


First up, what a great strike for this goal to open the scoring against Manchester United and secondly what a great celebration, I was quite upset the ref choose to book him, when it was just blatantly funny. Here is a song dedicated to his said celebration.





8. Allergy to Grass!


Whilst playing for city in the Europa league in Kiev, Mario suffered a possible allergic reaction to grass, whilst this is a serious condition, it is also unbelievable that a footballer can be allergic to grass!


http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/fa-league-cups/keep-off-the-grass-balotellis-career-threatened-by-allergy-2239634.html


7. He can’t get his Bib on
Mario amuses Robbie Savage by struggling to get his bib on correctly in the warm up





6. My Season was shit, can I say that?


Mario politely asks if he can say that his season was shit, unfortunately for ITV they were interviewing him live after last years FA Cup final, so, yes Mario you can say that.





5. Backheel v LA Galaxy


Super Mario claims to have heard a whistle in the build up this incident, to us though this is what pre season is all about, trying ridiculous stuff that annoys Edin Dzeko.





4.Why have you got £5,000 in your back pocket sir? Because I am rich


When Mario was questioned by the police following a car crash last year, he was asked why he had such a large quantity of money knocking around. Mario simply told the officer that he was not having cash flow problems!


http://www.thespoiler.co.uk/index.php/2010/09/06/mario-ballotelli-puts-in-an-early-contender-for-quote-of-season




3.Taking a child back to school/Giving a homeless man money


Amongst the various other press stories about Mario it is clear from these two stories that he his a kind hearted and well intentioned man.


http://www.thespoiler.co.uk/index.php/2011/05/10/the-amazing-mario-balotelli-helps-kid-who-is-being-bullied


http://www.caughtoffside.com/2011/04/20/mario-balotelli-gives-homeless-man-1000-after-25k-casino-win/





2.Lets play Darts
Its good to see that Mario wants to take up a classic English pub game, but we can only assume that someone forgot to tell him that usually in a game of darts you throw at a dartboard before the game.


1. Fireworks


How can anyone forget Balotellis house being set on fire by friends and then fronting up the firework safety campaign in Manchester.

Top Ten English players who should have earned more caps

10) Dion Dublin (4 caps)  - How Dion didn't get more caps is a mystery to us - so many of Englands best strikers would have thrived under Dions knock downs and he would have been a menace in the Box. If not, they could've just chucked him at Centre Back like Norwich.

9) Steve Guppy (1 cap) - The left wing wizard of Leicester - an exciting alternative to Jason Wilcox (another good shout) and Nicky Barmby in the early 2000s on the left wing, should've got another chance.

8) Tim Sherwood (3 caps) - Tim was a midfield general of the highest order who deserved more of a shot of an international career. His form for Tottenham was top class in the late 90's. Why did David fucking Batty get preference over Sherwood?

7) Steven Taylor (0 caps) - The versatile and commanding Newcastle centre back is well deserving of a call up ahead of others such as Lescott and Jagielka. If he was playing for a top 4 club he would be established by now.

6) Joey Barton (1 cap) - It is criminal that Joey Barton does not get a chance in the England set up - he would ruffle feathers amongst opposition players and has great vision - as Lampard (Useless shit) and Gerrard (stop playing him on the fucking left!!!!) reach their 50s we'd like to see him and Scott Parker as the combative classic England central midfield pairing.

5) Chris Sutton (1 cap) - Isn't it amazing that one half of the SAS and such a prolific goalscorer (of headers) only gained one cap. Unfortunately, like disabled people, Glenn Hoddle didn't like him so did not select him at the peak of his powers. We'd take him over Andy Cole any day.

4) Neil Redfearn (0 caps yet) - One of the games true greats and an underated gem - when laughing at this suggestion ask yourself this - do these players deserve more caps than Neil Redfearn and who do you think would've done a better job? Nicky Butt (39 caps), Ray Parlour (10 caps) David Batty (42 god damn caps!!) - We rest our case, arise Sir Neil.

3) Kevin Davies (1 cap) - Heskey or Davies? Zamora or Davies? Carlton Cole or Davies? Case closed.

2) Matt Le Tissier (8 caps) - Seriously, England's most skilful, talented and flair driven player ever - the goals he scored for Southampton were nothing short of incredible. At the time England went for "hard workers" such as David Batty and Carlton fucking Palmer over the skill and flair but laziness of Southamptons greatest ever player - Spain have made a dominant team out of players like Le Tissier. He should've been used as the counterpoint to a more defensive minded player such as Redfearn or Ince.

And our number one English player who should have had more caps is.............................



































1) Shaka Hislop (0 caps, called up vs. Chile, February 1998) - Believe it or not, Shaka was picked but unused for England in 1998 meaning he could switch the the internation giants of both Trinidad and Tobago. Would Hislop have made as many mistakes as Paul Robinson? He was more reliable than Richard Wright and quite frankly had less stupid hair than Ian Walker - Shaka, you should've persevered mate, once Seaman lost his tash, the number one jersey was yours for the taking.

The top ten things about 1990s football that we miss.

10. Barnsley in the Premier League
What on earth happend here, South Yorkshire side Barnsley somehow managed to win promotion to the premier league in 1997 and pulled off a few shock results. Unfortuanatly for Neil Redfern and co it wasn't quite enough as the Tykes were relegated.


9. Joint Managers
For some reason rather than sacking Roy Evans Liverpool decided it would be a great idea to have dual managers, keeping Evans in his job yet bringing in Gerard Houllier in also. The partnership quite unsuprisingly didn't last very long.


8. The Auto-Windscreens Shield
Yes we know it still exists as the Johnstones Paint Trophy, but, the actual auto windscreens shield (trophy itself) was a work of art ... or maybe not.


7. Bizzare/Local Shirt Sponsorships
These days in the premier league we are treated to multinational companies emblazing their logos across teams shirts, but ack in the 1990s we were treated to sponsors such as Draper Tools for Southampton, Dagenham Motors at West Ham and most strange of them all Classic FM for QPR.


6. Tony Yeboah
Any man who allegedlt put his good form down to English food "Yeboah often cited his good form and prowess while at Leeds was down to his love for Yorkshire Pudding." deserves to be in any top 10







5. Norwich City shocking Europe.
These day the chances of Norwich City winning away at Bayern Munich are pretty slim. But back in 1993 this actually happend.





4. Gazzetta Football Italia


We miss the Sunday kick offs live on channel 4 with a team of James Richardson, Peter Brackley and expert summary from AC Milan 'legend' Luther Blisset, the show even had Elvis Costello as half time panelist, which other football show would do that?





3. FA Cup Songs
The 1990s was also the last time that teams seemed to really have a go at making a 'decent' FA Cup final song. These days players are far too 'big' for any light hearted singing and to us thats a great shame.


2. Colourful Kits


Once again Norwich 1993 also provides us with another highlight on our list their unique paint splash yellow green and blue kit has become a cult kit for fans due to the success the club had that season. Goalkeeper kits also showed some strange experimentation with Newcastles Tyne Bridge strip one that certainly caught the eye.


1. Kevin Keegan


But, for the one thing that we miss the most is Kevin Keegan for his attacking philosphy with Newcastle in the 1990s, its perhaps unfortuanate that his side never quite won the title, but, for the way in which they played we would love to see back today where defensive football tends to be king. It also gives us a good excuse to show a video of his now infamous rant...

Top Ten sportsmen related to Warfare

In celebration/commiseration of the release of Modern Warfare 3 -

10) Jean-Alain Boumsong - It's got basically got Boom in it, get it?

9) Roy McFarland - As wars take place in Far Lands - get it, McFARLAND - no? Fuck you.

8)Shane Warne - He was more handsome when he was a fat bastard.

7)Shota Arveladze - It's got Shot in it, get it?

6) Brian Gunn - Norwich baldy who has a weapon in his nameage.

5) Derek Warwick - Gets preference over Warnes and others as his name is also a town where i am sure they have had a Civil War.

4) Jan Koller - It's like Killer, get it?

3) Paul Warhurst - His name is nearly War Horse but he loses positions due to his ridiculous outburst at a restaurant in Barnet! Class A Twat.

2) Savo Milošević - Did you know that Savo was Slobadans son?

1) Patrick M’bomba - The king of all war analogies - is there any other player with Bomb in his name, really, i ask you? If so i'm sure it isn't proceeded by a Hanson esque Mmmmmmm.

Any suggestions?

Cheers,
FB

Top Ten bad Premier League signings who were actually incredible

10) Albert Ferrer – Chelsea

Albert never got the recognition he deserved. A solid player capable of moments of Spanish inquisition bombing down the wing as this video shows -


9) Seth Johnson – Leeds

Seth Johnson should've been the future of England's midfield. Treated cruelly by injury and by continual cunt Ken Bates, his Leeds tenure still had it's moments of magic.


8) Patrick Kluivert – Newcastle

Everyone either forgets that Kluivert played for the Toon or thinks because he only lasted a year he was shit - far from it, he was magnificient and added flair and quality to the front line not seen since Tino Asprilla had left - look at the tekkers in the below vid.


7) Sergei Rebrov – Spurs

Rebrov was meant to be absolutely amazing like a cheap knock off of Shevchenko - looking back i think it is fair to say Rebrov was actually better value! Had moments of Ukrainian majesty.



6) Eric Tinkler – Barnsley

The greatest South African player ever? Without doubt in my mind. Watch the attempted screamer at 1.03



5)Joe Max Moore – Everton

For an American he was quite good at football - the Landon Donovan of the 1990's. Came to England as the MLS at the time still couldn't understand the concept of a draw.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/1709889.stm

4) Trevor Benjamin – Leicester

Big Trev is a Leicester cult hero and rightfully so - those Leicesterians know their football. He might have only scored one goal in his premiership season with the foxes but him and Akinbyi were an ELECTRIC partnership. Would surely have had more England caps if he hadn't had decided he was Jamaician (despite being born in Kettering?)



3) Neil Redfearn – Charlton

Neil Redfearn, one of the games true greats. It is just unfortunate that he relegated every premiership team he played for. People remember him at Barnsley but his season at Charlton was incredible - he was their top scorer with 10 goals (the same as Ryan Giggs) which isn't bad for a slow old bastard midfielder. Why did he never get an England cap?


2) Stan Collymore – Leicester

A hatrick on his debut with a class volley - the only reason he left Leicester is because of our number 3 Big Trev! They fell out during a reserve game and Stan nearly clobbered him to death in the dressing room. Apart from that incident he was pure gold at Leicester.



and finally our number one.....................................










1)John Barnes - Charlton Athletic

I can hear you laughing from here - in fact i bet you can't even remember him at Charlton. He dropped into a holding midfield role due to his talen..........lack of pace but he added a degree of quality to a basically division one team (Apart from Clive Mendonca who was World Class). I will quote parts of a Charlton Fans blog abour Mr Barnes' tenure - "one of the greatest players to play for Charlton ever", "moments when he would thread through a ball with perfect weight and speed", "He is the first world class player I watched at close quarters", "When Beckham or Giggs had the ball I trembled in fear. I couldn't admire them because I dreaded the damage they could do. I wanted them to fail. I was at the Valley to watch my team and my players and finally for a short period we had a player who surpassed many of these legends in ability, class and demeanour"

He was shit at Celtic though.
http://www.bloggingdaily.com/latest-blogs/charltonathleticblog/viewpost/525_John_Barnes_Charlton_Legend_.html


Thanks for reading and i look forward to your comments!

FB

Top Ten Musical Footballers

John Barnes - 
World in Motion
Perhaps an obvious choice but that's probably because its the only genuinely good football song out there, Barnes raps his way in to football folklore with a glorious 40 second interlude. The rap off contest in the England squad saw Barnes given the honour over fellow musical footballs Chris Waddle and Paul Gascoigne (who both had glittering music careers)



Barnes 2nd essential work comes on 1988 Liverpool FA Cup final work the Anfield Rap, where he proclaims that he is set to show us "some serious rapping", before bizarrely changing his name to "Barnez"  For being the only man to rap slower than he actually speaks Barnes gets the number one vote.

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle

Many people will only appreciate Waddle and Hoddles work on hit single Diamond Lights, but their underrated follow up single “Its Goodbye” (which was shelved after Waddle moved to Marseille) and Waddles subsequent work on the continent with Marseille team mate Basile Boli is also worthy of a mention.

Paul Gascoigne

Gazza may only be known to younger football fans as the man who tried to enter negotiations with gunman Raoul Moat, but, to fans who saw Gascoigne play he was a true football genius. His ability to adapt to a strange Geordie rapping style of music also earned him many admirers in the music community. His best known work came with his cover of Lindisfarnes Fog On the Tyne. But lesser known hit Geordie Boys is certainly worthy of a mention.

Toni Polster

Austrian football legend Toni Polster is perhaps best remembered by myself for breaking Cameroon hearts in the 1998 World Cup with a dramatic late equaliser in their 1-1 draw. Cameroon fans should not despair just yet though as Polster has had a glittering pop music career since. With styles ranging from Pop to heavy metal, Polster continues to this day to write hits including this “Reggae” version of his classic “Walk on Toni”.

Igor Stimac

Derby County cult hero Igor Stimac was part of the Croatia side which reached the World Cup Semi Finals in 1998, what is less well known is that he also spent 6 weeks at number one with his hit single “Mare i Kate” (In Croatia of course)

Kevin Keegan

Keegan of course will be best remember for his footballing ability and his bizzare “I woul’d love it…” rant, but, he also released a ‘delightful’ pop hit in “Head Over Heels in Love” Apparently there was an whole album, but I’d guess if this was the main single then it’s probably not worth finding out!

Andy Cole

Coles was at the top of his game for Manchester United in the late 90s, a treble winner in 1999, people asked what can he do to better this? A rapping career perhaps? Coles sole hit Outstanding proved that maybe footballers should stick to what they know best. The inevitable ‘Cole’ and ‘Goal’ ryhme possibly even led to Sir Alex Fergusson shipping the striker out to Blackburn a year later.

Ian Wright

Ian Wright ; great goalscorer? Yes. Dance music hero? Hmmm maybe, certainly not the worst effort on this list.

Ossie Ardilles

Though Ossie could barely speak broken English at the time he was to play a pivotal role in both Spurs charge to the FA Cup final and also, Chas and Daves well known Spurs final song that follows. His single line in the song of “Win the cup for Totting-ham” sees him nominated in this list

Alan Shearer

Shearer narrowily pips the Scotland National teams who had efforts such as “Ally Army” into the top 10 with this cover of Lionel Richies All Night Long.

Top Ten Footballing Ians

For our first entry into the world of Top Tens let me introduce the Top Ten Footballing Ians.

1. Ian Woan - Once saw him play at Glapwell, took 70 minutes and a lot of arguing for me to convinced he wasn't black - i think i had got him confused with other Forest legend Brian Roy.
2. Ian Taylor - Aston Villa supremo.
3. Iain Dowie - Makes trolls look attractive
4. Ian Rush - Best moustached player ever? Another list for another day
5. Ian Wright - Would be higher if it wasn't for his terrible TV career.
6. Ian Bennett - Scores highly because of being born locally
7. Ian Walker - Floppy haired keeper.
8. Ian St John - The annoying Scottish one in Saint and Greavsie
9. Ian Harte - Got into Champions League with Leeds, disappeared for 15 years and then suddenly joined Carlisle - what happened inbetween?
10. Ian Botham - Beefy makes it at 10 for his 11 Scunthorpe United caps.

If you have any additions, debate or comment please feel free to comment and feel free to share with others.

Cheers,
FB